


Ventriloquist Burn

by tptigger



Category: The Muppet Show
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Do I need to warn for bigotry against Muppets?, Gen, or possibly serious material treated as crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21904129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tptigger/pseuds/tptigger
Summary: When good guests go bad
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10
Collections: Yuletide Madness 2019





	Ventriloquist Burn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [silveradept](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/gifts).



> I'm not sure if this is exactly what you had in mind, Silveradept, but I hope you enjoy it anyway

Kermit sighed. "What now, Scooter?"

"Mister Corwin is demanding three seltzers, four Hershey bars, and three dozen roses."

"Would that be Mr. Corwin or Miss Piggy?"

"Mr. Corwin. Miss Piggy already has her monthly shipment of chocolate and I made sure her mini fridge was stocked."

As if on cue, the Venerable Samuel Corwin, esteemed ventriloquist, stalked down the stairs.

"No, really, Mr. The Frog, how do you expect me to work under conditions like these? There's no running water in the dressing room, there's no bottled water in the dressing room, there's nowhere for my trunk…"

"Mr. Corwin," Kermit said, "I checked your dressing room this morning before you arrived, there was no furniture other than the table as specified, and plenty of space for all of your trunks."

"I can't open them all at once!"

"You can't just..."

"My puppets need to talk to each other! You know how it is!"

Kermit brought himself up to his full height. "I beg your pardon."

"You are a puppet! You should..."

"I am a Muppet; that is hardly the same thing!"

Sweetums walked into the backstage area. "Do you need some help, Kermit? Maybe we should've booked Ron Lucas instead."

"That rat bastard!" Corwin said.

"How dare you!" Rizzo exclaimed.

"How dare I? How dare you?"

"I'll get the suitcases," Doc said. "You take out the trash, will you Sweetums?"

"Gladly," Sweetums said. He picked up Corwin, walked down the stairs, and gently deposited Corwin on the street.

"How dare you? Do you know who I am?" Corwin drew himself up to his full height, which meant he came up to about Sweetums's shoulder.

"The guy who insulted Sweetums's friends."

Doc, with the rest of the Electric Mayhem at his heels, appeared in the doorway. They set Corwin's three trunks on the sidewalk near him.

"Animal help!" Animal said, running out.

Janice caught him by the collar. "Be cool, dude."

"Be cool," Animal added.

Corwin huffed. "You're not cool! This isn't cool! This is violence, this is awful this is..."

Sweetums picked up Corwin again. "Sweetums is bigger than you. Sweetums bigger than most. People scared of Sweetums. Sweetums don't like to live up to that.

"But you keep hurting Sweetums' people, you learn that Sweetums can if Sweetums want to."

"Sweetums," Scooter called from the stage door. "You're on in two minutes."

"Sweetums not next."

"We had to bump some stuff to get rid of Mr. Corwin."

"Right," Sweetums said. "Sweetums be right there."

"You'll what?" Corwin asked, his voice shaking.

"Go away, Corwin." Sweetums gently set Corwin down. "You're not going to be on the Muppet Show. You got sick."

"But..."

"No. You got sick. That way, we don't have to tell the world what a bigot you really are. And you can keep your puppets." 

Sweetums turned back to Dr. Teeth.

"They're just wood and cloth man," Dr. Teeth said. "Puppets. Not Muppets."

"Good," Sweetums said. He turned back to Corwin. "Git."

He turned around, not bothering to see if the human got.

"Why do we always book ventriloquists?" Sweetums asked as he and Janice locked the stage door.

"I don't know man," Janice said. "I wish they wouldn't. It always harshes my mood."

“Don’t let it,” Sweetums said. “I think it’s our turn to fill in for an ejected jerk. Improv?”

Janet smiled. “That sounds awesome, man. Let’s do it!”


End file.
